different than i thought

when i was a child i didn’t dream of being a mother or a wife. i spent a lot of time alone, pretending and being very, very quiet. so how has it happened that i stay at home with three very, very loud, expressive children cooking dinner each night in time for my husband to

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a little more than i knew

i find old letters.  we were engaged.  he was in chicago and i was in detroit. i read the words i wrote and i shake my head at love bold written down.  i wanted to be married to joshua. but i didn’t know what i was talking about.  i didn’t really even know the man

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faith man

every june the days fall this way.  josh’s birthday and father’s day.  sometimes back to back.  sometimes on the very same day.  the burden and blessing that god won’t let up on for him. fatherhood. i’m loading dishes and he comes down the stairs, just like every night.  he’s put the older two to bed

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2 samuel 22:29

i woke up that morning and realized we’d thrown our marriage license away.  the night before at the rehearsal dinner it was tossed out with the napkins, with the wrapping paper.  i thought maybe it was a sign.  maybe now we might pay attention to the wrongs that made up our engagement, all the shadows

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there are words

there was a time i would have said it all to him, to his face.  i would thrill with victory when that face fell and his eyes dimmed. my husband and i used to fight a lot more than we do now. this past week i was angry and as our words lined up like

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forty million dollar wedding

i’m standing in line at the market and i read the tabloid headlines of how much the upcoming royal nuptials will cost. there’s a thread through our story telling of the sacrifice jesus made not to marry.  he gave up a wife and a family. the last temptation of christ. but i’m reminded of a

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anvil heart

my shoulders tense ready to deflect love, concern and affection.  i would rather be a shrivel and hanging skin, alone and untouched.  sometimes i don’t even know why this is the way i feel, i only know that i have to protect myself against love.  an innocent question has all kinds of motives and i

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communion wine

After Jesus returned, he walked along Lake Galilee and then climbed a mountain and took his place, ready to receive visitors. They came, tons of them, bringing along the paraplegic, the blind, the maimed, the mute —all sorts of people in need— and more or less threw them down at Jesus’ feet to see what

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