love

twentymoon

twentymoon

apparently twenty years isn’t very long. when i was young a month seemed never ending and a year felt so vast that it couldn’t be conceived. but tomorrow joshua and i will have been married for twenty years.  somehow it doesn’t feel like very much […]

hand me that baby!

hand me that baby!

christmas was as close as i came to jesus as a child. i wasn’t told the story.  there wasn’t a countdown to the manger in my house.  i didn’t hear about the blessed virgin turned away at the inn ad nauseum. instead my brother and […]

what god thinks of down syndrome

this weekend held world down syndrome day within it.  3/21.  if ever there was a reason to dust off the ol’ blog, this is it.  a conversation with my dear friend, jamica, reminded me of what being mazzy’s mother has taught me, is teaching me […]

he loved me

i like to remember that i was without hope and without god. i was foreign to the promises of good towards me.  i was separate and excluded from all of it.  no luck around every corner then. until – and then he loved me. he came and […]

tell me the old, old story before i hurt someone

i’m remembering last night. i’m remembering the tone of his voice when he interrupted me.  i’m remembering the exasperated sighs when he had to do what i do all the time for children.  i’m remembering his apology that seemed half-hearted. i’m making a list of […]

when madeleine l’engle kicked my ass

after i hung up the phone and told joshua what i’d just learned, we knew that our tiny church plant was done.  there had been signs leading to that moment in our kitchen.  but this was it.  the final nail. he leaned over onto the […]

godfathers and cancer

godfathers and cancer

“i spread a bunch of marigold seed, but only a few came up this year…i don’t know what went wrong.” my father is sitting next to his brother on a golf cart.  they’re riding around on the 3 acres i grew up going to every […]

wanted: one husband

i’ve spent the summer with my family. my husband has blurred.  he’s one of the five of us.  we’re all in this together. but i don’t know. sometimes i miss the two of us. apparently he could have been found on the beach in his […]

girlfriend is better

girlfriend is better

“we’re you afraid to get pregnant again?” some questions tell more than they ask. no. a simple answer to a complicated heart. let’s unmask the question, shall we? “did you consider sterilization after you had a child with down syndrome?” “were you so devastated that […]

eleanor

this girl of ours turned five last month. i remember you, eleanor.  your hidden form on the ultrasound screen when she said, “it’s a girl.” i cried and laughed at the same time. i remember sitting on a couch in ferndale and talking with rebecca, […]