living loved

it’s difficult when things are taken away.

when the comfortable old shoes can’t be found and then you remember that you gave them away because you knew it was time.

i’ve been hearing god tell me to stop doing some things for a long time. and i agree intellectually – i mentally assent, but dallas willard says our bodies have memory stronger than steel.

my body wins every time.

so how does anyone change?

how do we start doing what we know we should?

and not should in the sense of right and wrong, but should in the sense of life and death. how do we stop doing what brings death to our souls, our hearts, our bodies – and start choosing life for ourselves, our relationships, the day in front of us?

one friend told me recently we don’t think ourselves into a new way of life, we live our way into a new way of life.

you’ve just got to do it and here’s the rub –

you’re going to suck at it.

or maybe that’s just me. but what i’m finding is that changing from comfortable to what i need to do is like learning to ride a bike.

lots of skinned knees. lots of wobbles.

the question for me is, am i a loved child of god?

the question for me is, do i believe there is more to this one life than what i’ve already known?

the question for me is, am i worth sacrificing for? even if the sacrifice is one that i make myself, for myself?

all of my stumbling efforts tell me that i’m not exactly sure about what the answers are for myself.

but if anyone of my children asked me any one of those questions my answer would be yes! yes! yes!

yes, you are a loved child of god.

yes, you there is so much more to life than what you’ve already known.

yes, you are worth it.

and so, i will get back on the bike. i will put new memories into this body. i will let go of the past that so graciously got me through but no longer serves.

i will live loved.

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