than many sparrows

there are people around me all the time.

before most days, most years, i was alone.

now i wake up with them, drive to them, work with them, come home to them, sleep next to them and wake up with them once again.

before i was around them.  i took care of them, but then they’d leave and i’d have hours by myself.

it can be too much, being alone.

i can go a little stir crazy, get bored and wonder what to do.  but i will always think of something to do.  or i can always disappear into silence.

now i’m told what to do.  my time is occupied like a foreign army occupies a land not their own.

except.

except, except, except.

i gave up my position.  i told them right where i was.  i started showing up every morning where i was told to be.

and the reason i’m laying down time at the altar of a full-time job?

because sometimes you walk into a room and know it’s no accident.

once in a while life changes and there’s no going back, making you wonder at the times when all you wanted was change.  sometimes you end up hanging out with deaf kids in detroit everyday.

at least that’s what happened to me.

i can feel like god is that foreign entity taking over my freedom, my land, my time.

accept.

accept, accept, accept.

then i’m reminded that i know very little of freedom.  i try to remember that on my own i lie every which way til sunday in order to avoid pain and the actual reason i was put on this planet.

i try to remember that god knows me better than i know myself.

i try to remember that god cares for me much better than i care for myself.

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