decisions, decisions

i’m trying to figure it out.

i’m trying to understand what i’m supposed to do.

am i supposed to lead?  am i supposed to write?  am i supposed to interpret?

most likely its all of the above.

and mother.

and wife.

deep breath.

there is a ferocious unsettled spirit in my chest.  it rages and slams itself around inside of my ribcage as i try to lean into peace.

peace can feel like foreign land that some must be dragged into against their will.  once there they look around bleary-eyed in the calm and the quiet.  the stillness nearly drives them to scratch out their eyeballs.  as soon as they have a chance they run as fast as they can back into chaos all the while screaming at the top of their lungs that they want peace.

just kidding.

that’s not someone else.

it is me.  its you.

it is funny.

so much consternation in my ribcage over deciding which peaceful, life-giving pursuit i should choose.

“should i pray over people or work with the deaf!!?”

decisions, decisions.

“should i walk with people as they search for healing or love my husband and children well!!?”

“should i write it all down?”  

“should i write it all down?”

yes.  and yes.  and again, help me say yes.

god is so good.  life is so good and brief and a gift.  mine and yours.

how do i not see what is right before me?

just deep breath.  just holy spirit.  just correct perspective.

amen.



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