joshua and i celebrated 19 years of marriage a couple of weeks ago. the first four years of it there were no children. no mazzy. no abe. no ella.
i remember the counseling and the fighting. i remember how hard it was to suddenly be married in a new city where i knew no one. i remember not knowing the first thing about putting someone else before myself.
someone told me recently that the word “saved” in the context that i used it was “tacky.”
but i didn’t mind because i know what it feels like to be saved.
over and over again, i’ve been saved.
this anniversary was pretty much spent with the kids. we went out to dinner alone one lovely night and woke up alone one lovely morning, but the minutes and hours ticked by as fast as time tends to.
at this point i don’t know marriage separate from kids.
and i like it.
i didn’t always like it. when i was drowning in diapers and depression, i used to count down the hours until joshua came home. i used to count down the hours until i could drive away with a friend and not be a mom for two or three days. i used to…
but time has ticked like it does and i hear the warnings from empty nests. don’t put too much of your life into these kids – they’ll be up and gone before you know it. then where will you be?
who will you be?
i’ll be the same. lonelier. happier. sadder. but i’ll be the same. here with my saving god that has taken me from selfish and young to 40 and kind to 60 and who the hell knows.
but not give everything to them now?
…does not compute.
all my days are written.
yours are too.
19 years has flown though, hasn’t it? if you were there and saw two incredibly young and naive and broken people tie the knot that friday afternoon in greenfield village – can you believe that was 19 years ago?
i smiled so big that day that my face ached by the end of the night.
what was i saved for and what was i saved from?
josh, mazzy, abe and ella.
i was saved for all of you.