the other day a trusted friend hurt my feelings.
i have a long and complicated relationship with friendship. it seemed best to begin to plot my revenge immediately.
i figured out the ways to protect myself and to hurt back. i felt better.
i also felt small. like when i was child and i wanted to hide. the world receded and i had a way to shut the door on it all.
i became smaller and smaller until i nearly disappeared.
i made a promise to god once. i promised to show my children wide open spaces.
that’s it. that’s all.
it said what i wanted to say. wide open spaces feel like the best way to set a child before what is good in this life.
but i was shrinking in my house because a friend was thoughtless.
i organized the facts to my side. every word i read and each time i spoke the validity of my hurt surfaced. i was right. i was wronged.
and then i looked at jesus.
the most high is generous to the ungrateful.
bless and do not curse.
the ocean of forgiveness that everyone is offered is never fair. it doesn’t make sense and holding onto offense is the opposite of wide open spaces.
so i bowed my head and prayed for my friends turned enemies and they turned back into friends.
i felt myself growing back into a grown up.
i felt the weight of the government fall off my shoulders.
and then i ran barefoot to the shores of the atlantic with my children so that they could see the wide open space of me.