when staying at home is lame


the grocery store is its own particular type of torture.

i must be thankful for the resources to be there, the choices, the strength in my legs to walk the aisles, to push the cart.  i know.  i must be.

but when you’ve done something a few hundred times it loses that certain something and just becomes a meditation for the pointless and monotony of life.

or maybe that’s just me.

also dishes.

also laundry.

also packing lunches.

also making beds.

also vacuuming.

also cleaning toilets.

also also also.


it’s a brave new world for me these days.  we moved so i didn’t have to spend hours in a car everyday.  now each day stretches before me full of monotonous crap that i don’t want to do.

but what do i want to do?

i take eleanor to school this morning.  she’s amazing.  she’s so lovely and loving.  she’s like a mountain of birthday presents on my head.  i’m so lucky.  i tell her so.

she smiles her very pleased smile.

i’ll pick her up at 3.


i’ve spent these past fourteen years raising three children.  that time is changing.  it’s morphing into them on their own and me on my own.  the rope that ties us together is getting longer.  that’s okay.  it really is.  but what’s not okay is me filling up the hours with something that doesn’t support this family.

i shop because they eat.  daily.

clean dishes on the table.  clean clothes pulled out for yet another day of school.  lunch on the counter for when they are off on their own.  a made bed is so much nicer.  clean house gives peace to the mind.  a home to come home to.

i do that.

that matters.

my life is not pointless.

monotonous yes, pointless no.

it takes discipline to remember your worth when no one is watching.  the time will come when my days are spent busy supporting something else well.

but for today there is laundry, there are dishes, there is shopping.

thanks mom.  thanks again.

6 replies on “ when staying at home is lame ”
  1. I love how you didn’t end this with a bow. Some things (actually most things) are open ended. We want closure, resolution, finality on seasons of life but they swell with all their mundanity, yes? I get it. You’re in a season that ebbs and flows and breezes and gusts and one day, you’ll sit somewhere in the still, quiet without interruption and you’ll miss the quotidian unpredictability. Sending you a hug and sharing my shoulder. xx (Psst . . ..Love it when you write!)

  2. thanks shelly…

    yes. these days fly. i know. and i will miss them more than i can imagine.

    really though – this could have been called ‘when going to work is lame’ or ‘when writing my new book is lame’ – everything is monotonous and we need discipline to remember the point of each and every human endeavor at times.

    thanks again for the gift – it arrived yesterday 😉

    ~ zena

  3. “but what’s not okay is me filling up the hours with something that doesn’t support this family.”

    I don’t agree. You are absolutely encouraged and have a right to take classes you’re interested in, develop friendships, take up a hobby, or get a job if you so choose.
    There is so much power in filling ourselves up do we are recharged and ready to come back to the monotony of have-todos. Your spirit will be brighter and your family will notice. You’ll be setting an amazing example for your children of self-care and interdependence.

    We must inhale self love to be able to exhale love for others.

    Be well, fellow mama.

  4. hi briana –

    i think we’re saying the same thing. chalk it up to my poor ability to translate my thoughts well. the things you mention would definitely still be supporting my family and i’m not opposed. when i say that i mean a pursuit that gives me a sense of worth that’s completely divorced from my role in my family’s structure.

    my hope in writing this was to give myself credit for what i already do.

    thanks for reading,

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