i have a real problem.
i’m nearly addicted to the approval of people.
it’s strange. and it strangles. it has made me do things that i’m not proud of.
i’ll be the fool.
i’ll be the fool for you.
for me, there is a thin line between love and utter codependence.
and it’s funny. it really is.
i love people a lot. the people who i give my time to – they matter too much to me sometimes.
and it isn’t wrong to love people. it’s the language of god. it’s good.
but somewhere in there, i slip. i’ll put on any costume to make you laugh or see you give that inside joke of a smile my way.
does this work?
is it working now?
do you love me back?
i called everyone yesterday. no one picked up the phone. so then i pretended that jesus had a phone and i called jesus.
and it was so. good.
i was honest. i told him what i couldn’t have said to any of the people who didn’t answer. i talked about the things i didn’t realize i was dying to say.
i talked to god who is also my friend. that is the language of god, too.
then this morning, i opened my bible and i sat on the receiving end of the line. i heard the words of god spoken back into my ears.
“we are not trying to please people but god, who tests our hearts. you know we never used flattery, nor did we put on a mask to cover up greed – god is our witness. we were not looking for praise from people, not from you or anyone else.”
and i can breathe again.
thank you. thank you. thank you.
and i can love again without slipping.
thank you, lord.