i’m remembering last night.
i’m remembering the tone of his voice when he interrupted me. i’m remembering the exasperated sighs when he had to do what i do all the time for children. i’m remembering his apology that seemed half-hearted.
i’m making a list of the wrongs done to me.
i’m fueling unforgiveness in my heart, in my marriage.
i’m wondering how to get an eye for an eye.
i’m preparing for a hard conversation. i’m drinking down self-righteousness with my coffee. they both are bitter, but i’m getting used to it. it’s an acquired taste.
i need them both some mornings.
i reach for my bible and look for god to back me up on this. i open it up to where i’m at in luke. always reading through the old, old story – jesus is teaching today.
“don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults—
unless, of course, you want the same treatment…be easy on people; you’ll find life a lot easier.” luke 6: 37-38, the message
would i like waking up to my disappointed face at the breakfast table?
would i enjoy a list of each remembered thing i did wrong from the night before?
does that sound good? does that sound like love?
i have to read it a few times to accept the words. i’m waking up to pick on my husband. that’s my morning plan. i want to jump on his failures and criticize his faults.
what exactly will that do?
it will bring about the same treatment.
i want to be loved well, but i refuse to love well.
oh lord, i wonder if i’ll ever believe you.
instead someone has to answer for the many wrongs done to me.
never mind that they are small.
never mind that i could overlook them.
never mind that they were apologized for.
i could forgive them. i could go easy on a person.
my heart is slow to learn your ways, jesus. don’t stop telling me the same thing. i need to hear it every morning.
i pick up my bitter cup of coffee. this is no garden of gethsemane. this is just marriage -this is my life.
these are small things.
help me, lord.
edited repost from the archives (thankfully)…