tell me the old, old story before i hurt someone

sit at your feet
i’m remembering last night.

i’m remembering the tone of his voice when he interrupted me.  i’m remembering the exasperated sighs when he had to do what i do all the time for children.  i’m remembering his apology that seemed half-hearted.

i’m making a list of the wrongs done to me.

i’m fueling unforgiveness in my heart, in my marriage.

i’m wondering how to get an eye for an eye.

i’m preparing for a hard conversation. i’m drinking down self-righteousness with my coffee.  they both are bitter, but i’m getting used to it.  it’s an acquired taste.

i need them both some mornings.

good books

i reach for my bible and look for god to back me up on this.  i open it up to where i’m at in luke.  always reading through the old, old story – jesus is teaching today.

“don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults—
unless, of course, you want
the same treatment…be easy on people; you’ll find life a lot easier.”  luke 6: 37-38, the message

oh right.

deep sigh.

would i like waking up to my disappointed face at the breakfast table?

would i enjoy a list of each remembered thing i did wrong from the night before?

does that sound good?  does that sound like love?

i have to read it a few times to accept the words.  i’m waking up to pick on my husband. that’s my morning plan.  i want to jump on his failures and criticize his faults.

what exactly will that do?

it will bring about the same treatment.

i want to be loved well, but i refuse to love well.

oh lord, i wonder if i’ll ever believe you.

instead someone has to answer for the many wrongs done to me.

never mind that they are small.

never mind that i could overlook them.

never mind that they were apologized for.

i could forgive them.  i could go easy on a person.

my heart is slow to learn your ways, jesus.  don’t stop telling me the same thing.  i need to hear it every morning.

i pick up my bitter cup of coffee.  this is no garden of gethsemane.  this is just marriage -this is my life.

these are small things.

help me, lord.

edited repost from the archives (thankfully)…

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