the memory of the heart

elle

it’s late at night when my mind and heart are vulnerable to old words spoken.

words that were jumbled together any way you like, but always say the same thing.

“i reject you.”

“you are unwanted.”

“you are unloved.”

these stupid words from a person who has no memory of speaking them, they can stick around like burs, growing years and years older.

miss mazzy

i look my child in the face after apologies have been made, after i’ve come to my senses.

i keep my distance out of respect for their person, out of fear with the knowledge of the damage a parent can do.

i look in their eyes and say this –

“what did i say that hurt you the most?”

they look away.

they stare at a spot up there on the ceiling.

and you know what?

there has always been something.  every time.

and they repeat it back with eyes full of this question –

“is this true about me?”

abrahm

i hear the words said aloud again and i bear their weight and the responsibility.

this is no vague apology, child.  i will stare right at my wrong against you, sweetest one, and i will say the only thing i can say.

no.  no, that’s not true.

that is a lie.

i was so, so wrong.

can you forgive me?  and if these words come back, you can tell me if you want and i’ll tell you again how wrong i was and how loved you are.

so before those words grow too old tonight, let me pry off the burs that you can’t see, but are there.

let me tell you new words before the sun sets another night.

 

photos by amykimballphotography

This entry was posted in forgiveness, grace; free gifts, mothering. Bookmark the permalink.

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3 Responses to the memory of the heart

  1. jamica says:

    amen, sister! i feel like i’m always on my knees, always asking for forgiveness with tears in my eyes and hoping that i am “prying off the burs that they can’t see”. i know words can hurt yet they slip out of my mouth before any thought…BUT i hope that the honesty and transparency i give to my kids…the love and the positive words after the fact that i shower upon them will help. my mom always reminded my sister and i that “love covers a multitude of sins” when we were growing up, especially during those trying years as a single mom with 2 teenage daughters…and i truly truly believe that and not in the sense that i give myself leeway in my hurtful words.

  2. zena says:

    hey jamica,

    glad to see you’re using your real name these days… 😉

    your comment makes me think of a song i love – check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lxOJ59FN9As

    love,
    z

  3. Jamica says:

    Thnx z! I’ll ck it out:)

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