failing at jesus stuff

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she told me their church had split and that people were saying terrible things about them. i nodded my head and listened.

silent, i nodded.

churches are trouble, i thought.  churches are the problem.  they’re so messy, i thought. and when i looked out on the landscape of faith, i felt hopeless.

but i was wrong.

i tried to be a church planter a couple of years back and more than churches being unsafe or poorly run, i realize now that i have bigger fish to fry.

it really isn’t churches that i don’t believe in anymore.

it’s me.

i don’t trust myself.

still

it is odd to go from sprinting into a church to not bowing your head when everyone else is praying.

it feels like a jacket that doesn’t fit.

it’s strange to look at the very spot you once waited for the holy spirit to come and speak to you, to speak to others and to walk down a different row now to avoid it.

it’s not easy to hear someone say “jesus” and wonder at their backstory, where they’re coming from and what they are missing.

because they have to be missing something.

just like i missed something.

just like i didn’t get it somehow when i was so sure i was doing it right.

IMG_9889the woods

“maybe they’re just hurting, too.”  i said to her.  “maybe they don’t know which way is up right now, just like you.”

and she smiled a little and shook her head.

“yeah.  maybe.”

when things fall apart it takes a long time for the dust to settle.

when things of eternal value fall apart it can take years.

it’s going to take a new creation, a thousand years of evolution, to bring about a single cell to start again.

sometimes it feels that way.

waitingbut it’s alright.

i walk through the woods and think about the god endeavors once so big that have vanished like morning mist.  i see my husband up there and our kids climbing on rocks, staying still as leaves float down on top of their heads.

and i’m here, too.

it’s going to take some time.

it’s not the church’s fault or god’s fault or even mine really.

it’s just people.

just people out in the woods, trying to find a way to say how thankful they are for this one beautiful life.

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3 Responses to failing at jesus stuff

  1. Anonymous says:

    “when things fall apart it takes a long time for the dust to settle.
    when things of eternal value fall apart it can take years.
    it’s going to take a new creation, a thousand years of evolution, to bring about a single cell to start again.

    sometimes it feels that way.
    but it’s alright.”

    wow. yes, i hope it’s going to be alright. i’ve been in this state of recovery from when my things fell apart for me with the church and my faith for almost 15 years now and i feel like it’s going to take me till the end of my days to fully heal. the church is messy, people are messy. it will take alot for me to return. but i don’t doubt that the people who have come into my life (including you, my friend!!) have come for a reason. there is probably some work that god is doing in my life and i’m incredibly stubborn about it and i hope one day, i’ll be able to stop just coasting along.

    “it’s going to take some time.
    it’s not the church’s fault or god’s fault or even mine really.
    it’s just people.
    just people out in the woods, trying to find a way to say how thankful they are for this one beautiful life.”

    thanks z for your words today:) xo

  2. zena says:

    hey there…

    yes, i think there is a reason so many people are showing you another side of god and it’s because you are loved, my friend. it’s going to take some time, but it is alright, because we’ve got all the time in the world.

    ~ z

  3. Mandy says:

    I’m glad today God likes messy things. Not just likes. Chooses. He chooses me while I’m still a mess. Because of my mess. Because of my need for him. And so I have this voice and my journey and my mess… To share with other broken messy people.

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