he placed his spread hand over his heart and told us that this was a sincere gesture.
and he was right. i do that. if i hear news that touches deep, my fingers fly up and lay down flat, a shield for my heart as it takes in the new information.
“this is a sincere gesture.”
i sat in a chair and it was hard to breathe.
when does a sincere gesture stop being sincere? the moment you model it for the room of folks so they can use it to their advantage, i suppose.
after the josh garrels’ show on saturday night there was a question and answer time with him. he said this when asked if remaining an independent artist has helped him maintain his own voice:
“i’m a porous person. i have a center, but i know about myself that i take in easily what others believe and am easily influenced by people. if i’d have come under the umbrella of industry to record – i don’t think i could have said the things i needed to say. it’s vital that i’ve remained independent – it’s allowed me to do that.”
i should have stood up and left right then. right after we were told how to “be sincere.” i didn’t though. i stayed for months. i’d signed a contract and handed over creative control on purpose. i thought it was for the best.
now i’m not sure what’s real and what’s for show. and what’s worse i don’t know it about myself. instead of writing songs, i’ve been silenced.
on my thirty-eighth birthday my family let me sleep in. i stumbled downstairs and poured coffee in a cup and sat down to children hiding and saying surprise.
beautiful packages lay on the table before me and the first one i opened was a music box.
i took it out and turned the crank and amazing grace plunked out in perfect tune.
and i started to cry.
the holy spirit does not let us go. even when we don’t care anymore. and he swoops in and catches the free fall in the strangest of ways. tiny, metal simple machines. a concert that borders on revelation worship.
his love is more fierce than graves.
silence is what i have right now and that’s okay. it won’t always be. the spirit reconciles all things and he’s up to it again. he doesn’t need my help. i’m learning that.
i’ve broken the recording contract i signed. i’m building a studio in my attic. i’ll make an album that pleases the lord.
gratitude journal ~ one thousand gifts ~ 1890 – 1906
cards in the mail
children in pajamas
josh garrels singing in front of me
talking about grief
spirit showing up