hearts on display

some things aren’t anyone’s fault.  sometimes there isn’t anyone to answer for tears that fall or harsh words said.  sometimes all we can do is remember that everything isn’t done by human hands.

it was a busy weekend and so i prayed for an hour.  i asked god to give us one hour to take a walk in the woods together.  it’s a shame that we get away once a month, no kids – and still our schedules are booked so that we can’t just stare at each other across a table where someone else is making dinner.

i get my wish.

we headed into the woods after one class ended, before service that night and we tried to unwind along the paths, we tried to process –  but the stress of places to go and things to do squeezed tight and we ended up fighting.

insecurity and fear in the forest.

i remember when we were dating and we fought in the parking lot before my shift at a department store.  i went in red eyed and my friend stopped me and he asked me what was wrong.  i told him i was fine and he said, no.  you’re not fine.  and he told me that he didn’t know if i should be dating joshua because he noticed me crying more often.

that one stopped me in my tracks.  and sometimes i have thought of that boy and that moment.  sometimes i have wished for tear-free relationship that only brings smiles and that never has the flames of doubt flare up.

does one exist?

but tears tell half truths.  they tell both, what is seen – an argument in the woods; and what is unseen – the deep scars everyone carries.  the truth was and is that there are deep wounds in my soul, there are caverns carved out there and in my husband’s, too.  we’ve been marred by the tooth of a beast that wanted us miserable before we entered kindergarten.  we carry burdens we didn’t pick up and when we met each other, clear as a bell – we both sensed that there could be another who also carves souls without human hands.

is it true that god can restore what the devil has meant to destroy?

i think so.

and in the midst of tears and of another appointment we have to go to and years later having to walk into a building with a tear stained face, we pray.  we pray for grace for each other, for forgiveness and for help.

and let’s be clear – for god’s help.

we are and always have been a project of god’s leisure time.  with invisible bare hands and sleeves rolled up he’s reached in deep to remake, to prod and push and pull.  he has dropped down into unreachable depths – deeper than we can brave on our own and he has worked – is working – to make us other than what he started with.

apart from the mining of god, we are human effort and tears in a parking lot.

with him, we are remade.

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