talking to god in the woods

i open my mouth and speak out loud.  i’m in the woods again and there’s no one around. i can tell the truth, reach out – converse?

i’ve been here and i’ve done this same moment time and time again.  it’s the moment right before and i don’t believe and i will myself to breathe breath into words, to say them into the air – to have the audacity to imagine that i could be heard.

i speak to god.

i tell him the most pressing thing without edit.  the way i would speak to a best friend before the pitfalls and responsibilities of life show me that no best friend can love like i need.  that no best friend is as safe as this walk in the woods.

and just like that, i’m crying.

i need to cry.

it’s strange about feeling safe and telling the truth and knowing you’re loved.  these are what happens when i open my mouth and speak to god.  when there is space and time and i will myself to imagine.

the will.  the imagination.  the voice.  the woods.  all gifts from him and i’m giving them back today as i walk.  i’m talking my way through the tears and hashing it out with this god i can’t see and sure as the trees don’t say a word as they listen, i hear myself speak a way through – up and beyond what i am in.

lights at the ends of tunnels aren’t just for near death experiences.

they’re for walks down trails that lead back to where i’ve started.  this lamp, i still need. the breakthrough i haven’t been able to name by myself comes talking to god in the woods.

or anywhere.

 

 

2 replies on “ talking to god in the woods ”
  1. i’ve been crying, but it is good.
    i was up all night trying to find my passport—-i found everyone’s british passports and the one of me from age 7 with derek posing next to me. i found his letters to me when i was staying in scotland—he wanted me to buy him a sweater and that is michigan tan would be so splendid next to my peely wally skin (as anyone seen the sun today, Ach, this scottish weather) i read many words on sky blue air-mail letters as my family came to terms with the many joys of coming to america, but the grief of leaving beloved sibling in scotland.
    well, i will renew my passport and when the time is right, i will go. can’t wait===a big goal next to getting a car and a good pair of winter boots.
    \\\\det. denmark called, the trial has been adjourned again due to another trial taking it’s time to unfold. my friend Coco say, “by the time this trial goes to court, i will forget to be nervous. so i am regrouping again. working on the little art piece for Claire’s wedding, practicing how i will wear my hair and make-up—–the next fun goal; looking for PINK DRESS material——-emotional today—–the feelings have to come out. oh, and i want to paint landscapes, ” has anyone seen the nice cool michigan weather”???? i hear a wee voice from the trees, “it’s coming” love alyson

  2. alyson ~

    thank you for writing.

    i think the cool weather is coming…at least that what the newspapers say.

    i miss you friend. after we are home, the girls and i want to have you over…i’ll call you soon.

    love,
    zena

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