confessions of a non-person

i’m struggling to smile.  i’m struggling to stay in the same room.  i struggling to hold your eyes in mine.

when childhood includes real pain, you avoid emotions.

at least, i did.

and do.

moving stress is squeezing and the hidden heart is being revealed.

surprise, surprise – it’s not pretty.

i thought i’d dealt with anger.

i thought i’d surrendered my everyday to raising children, that i had embraced the limited scope of life in this season.

i thought i’d made up my mind to love my husband well.

but right now, every smile, every kind word, feels dangerous.

when childhood includes abuse, you use words that cut to keep everyone at a safe distance.

at least, i did.

and do.

i’m fumbling around and grabbing old tools to do the work of today.

but harsh words and a hard face are speaking what i don’t mean to say – to my kids, to my husband, to my neighbors and friends.

i thought i’d changed.

i thought i’d made progress on the renovation of my heart.

the lie is to think that i haven’t changed at all.

the lie is to believe that there aren’t more changes to be made – the changes that come by following him down the new roads he is leading me to.

roads that lead back into my cavern heart, to the places undiscovered that i could not reach until now.

roads out to neighbors that ask more, with harder stories to hear and that reward with sweeter joy.

roads up that ascend the hill of the lord to find him teaching on the mountainside, to sit at his feet.

this is uncomfortable.

but there is comfort in remembering that i am not at square one.

thanks be to god who has brought me this far only to say there is farther yet to go.  i have a hope and a future and from what i know of him, of jesus, it must be pretty good.

8 replies on “ confessions of a non-person ”
  1. You are NOT alone in this…you have extended family here to leap to your aid, as you have lept to ours in the past… We are here for you, Z, and for the whole family.

    ‘Twill all turn out great…the road is just rocky now. BREATHE!!! BREATHE AGAIN!!!

    Love!

  2. thanks bethany. thank you for loving all of me.

    lynne ~
    you’re right…and i know it. just trying not to lie. breathing again…

  3. Z. I am blessed knowing I am not the only one who struggles from past abuse and at times have used “words that cut to keep everyone at a safe distance”. Praying for you and for the love of the Lord to fill you up daily, hourly, minutely and secondly, always your friend in book club and in Christ…

  4. i came across this quote by Mark Twain—-i thought instantly of you. i had to read it over and over several times; I had to image it in my mind…..here it is

    “FORGIVENESS is the FRAGRANCE the VIOLET sheds on the HEEL that CRUSHED IT…….mark twain

    i’m in love with this little quote love alyson

  5. kimberly ~ thank you. i appreciate your words here today…

    alyson ~ i love that quote, too. but hard words, are they not? you, your story – god’s road of forgiveness for you, my friend – i don’t know if i will ever hear a more powerful tale. so thankful for you.

    ~ zena

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