don’t wait for me

snow was falling today like memories.  piling high into powdered hills that look substantial, but a kick would send them flying.  when a stranger stops and tells me that i should enjoy my children while they are young, it goes by so fast – i want to ask:

“what does?  what goes by so fast?”

because i’m not sure if the mothers everywhere lament their days of child rearing gone by.  these hard days of self-denial, self-annihilation, the forcing of colossians into the flesh.

in humility consider others better than yourselves.

i think it might be life gone by in general that the grocery store ladies pine for.

life slips like children grow.

because the same nine years of their days are just a mirror.  this time with no rewind and no replay.  with its one time.  with its now or never.

it’s not only childhood that zooms.  my days fly just as fast.

i think that’s what the old women sparkle at as they smile down to eleanor.

they see their lives gone by.

i catch the fastball of clarity.  that we would be unable to see our true hearts and sold out, ready to die for our delusions.  the hopeless overwhelming of human nature is dangerous, a slippery slope.

i can’t believe the audacity of god to allow us free will.  of all people, you think he would know better.

better than that.

he knows best.

he alone can untangle these knots we tie life into.  knots of the kind that even if i sat all day, everyday, i could never loosen, another always being revealed.

he allows this for our stubborn hearts that bang heads like mere beasts to finally say that his ways are not ours and he is higher.

he is so much higher.

i want to be kind.

i want to find the road of my king.

i want not to be deceived by myself.

3 replies on “ don’t wait for me ”
  1. I can’t tell you how many years I have been meditating on “in humility, consider others better than yourself.” I have tried to live my life like this & fail miserably I’m sure but I’m just so glad you brought it up because it’s been quietly in my heart for a long long time.

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