what i really wanted

i look outside and the wind howls sharp and blows a frozen line of white down our road.  it slips like a thin snake of cold moving fast to who knows where.  it has been grey.  cloud cover insulates us and i forget so quick the sun.  the lull of a muffled life, safe and tucked in – surely i can find a lovely thing, a beautiful place, somewhere shining in all this muted light.

the last two days have been gifts.  when i was a girl our telephone would ring soon after we’d opened every present.  my friend down the street would call and we’d recite the list of what we had been given. recounting, comparing, congratulating, reveling in the receiving. i didn’t want anything this christmas that i could tell you about. here’s what i really wanted.


i wanted to sit next to you and laugh and drink a glass of wine.  i wanted to look at your face and say merry christmas and know we’d spent a long year together.  to sit and laugh until we cried and and to reach this day of celebrating the very standing next to each other still here in the land of the living.  our feet in socks, socks in our shoes, standing in the warm room while the wind blew snow against the house.  i wanted to be here with you.

gratitude list ~ one thousand gifts ~ #392 – 401

generous family
dinner with pat
trees inside
snow lines
saying merry christmas at church
new camera to play with
teasing my seven year old son
hot bagels

photo credit ~ amykimballphotography