lately my children have made their way back to the front of my mind…
i can’t imagine why…
there is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end leads to death. my children have started to go to school, with everyone else. every day…all day. i was enjoying it, really i was.
then. then something started to happen. little twinges of conscience as they began to bring home stories and as our days quickly slipped away into nights of over tiredness with no real talking, no clear moments. this is fine, i told myself. this is what it’s like. this is how we all grow up.
i started working. two days a week, i’m in a school signing away for children who have special needs. it makes one reflect on their own child who has special needs. a lot.
it’s wrong to think your children are your crosses to bear. it’s wrong to be a martyr and imagine god takes away all your fun. it’s wrong to ignore the leading of the holy spirit. what to do…what to do.
i was praying about it all this afternoon. praying. that’s right. in the middle of the day. who’d a thunk it? it wasn’t terribly focused. it wasn’t a voice clear for me alone. but what did come was — do you think they won’t grow up? and i do. i do imagine that mazzy, abraham and eleanor will always be mine in this way, in this place.
it is not so.
our lives, i read somewhere recently, are what we choose to do. they are our habits. how i despised discipline, how my heart spurned correction! so says proverbs five. but what else is there if not this? this the real time daily life of raising up these three lives…or more!
there will still be pints with friends. there will still be the man i love. there will still be free afternoons to think and laugh and write. but most of all, there will be a day when these three go their own way. sooner than i can imagine, a life free of little ones, chosen or not, will be my everyday.
help me lord.