change comes slowly or not at all

i just feel like crying. my daughter is a beautiful, troubling mix of all that is good and humble; bad and willful.

just like yours.

i’m glad my children are in bed. i’m frustrated with them and with myself. i fail so often. i wake up with the intentions of loving god and everyone in my house well. i end the night talking myself down from ledges that would be too messy to clean up if i jumped.

it’s hard to raise a family.

there’s a yellow construction paper star atop our christmas tree this year. it’s stuffed with cotton balls. it’s really great and it’s really haphazard.  a bit like this household.

a big part of the problem is that i take myself and events way, way, WAY too seriously. i mean this. if you know me, if you are my friend, how come you’ve never pointed out with regularity what a unflinching crackpot i am? people need to tickle me more often or push me…i don’t know.

blah. blah. blah.

i have to wrap stuff. presents, i mean. not just random stuff. it’s not like i’m going to wrap up any old thing that crosses my path. it’s december. i meant xmas presents. but you knew that. i’m going to go do that now.

3 replies on “ change comes slowly or not at all ”
  1. girl… two things.

    first: i don’t like the title of your post b/c it’s not what i want to hear right now (insert my own personal hissy fit).

    second: you do take yourself too seriously. but you also usually end up coming around. it’s just what you do. and i love you for it. 🙂

  2. i tickled you once and you hit me.

    i’ve always thought of you guys as exceptionally good parents because, as much as you take yourselves seriously (whether this is good or bad, i’m not sure), you take your kids seriously. as humans. which they are. but which i find it hard to do with my own kids sometimes. and which seems like it’s at the root of so much stress later on: why do my parents not take me seriously? and all that.

    so…dude!

  3. Zena,

    Noodling around the internet this morning (frankly ignoring my arguing offspring, one who is actually arguing with a computer game, but oh well — as well as ignoring the stuff *I* need to wrap) and I have to say that your paragraph about feeling like a failure — wow, you must be in my mind! And we can’t jump off those ledges, because who would clean up the messes? I prayed last night that I wouldn’t hear the harshness in my voice when responding to my kids, and this a.m.? Dang if I didn’t hear the same harshness. Yes, his mercies are new each day, but also, I believe minute by minute.

    You have a beautiful family — love the picture.

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